True Love Religion

It's historic fact that God got bored halfway through sitting around on the seventh day. During happy hour, he invented the office place. The box wine had impaired his judgement. On the eighth day he placed a squid inside the office place. It answered the phones and fought against the narwhal infestation attacking the photocopier.

This is a total lie of course. Because it doesn't answer who created the photocopier or who was leaving messages with the squid. The truth is this is all a roundabout way of explaining the heartbreak dealt to me by an office administrative assistant. Five things I learned when she broke my heart:

1) Office environments impair emotional judgment. I think it's the recycled air and cake parties.

2) I was alone before and I was alone after. Which introduces a question of the efficiency of young love.

3) Never overfeed goldfish.

4) I'm glad I wore a condom. Not because of fear of pregnancy or hindsight knowledge that we broke up, but because it would have felt just that much better when I was inside her and so it would have hurt that much more when she broke my heart.

5) Squids can only stand a chance against the impaling power of a narwhal when favoured by a vengeful diety. But they leave more marks on the glass of a photocopier.